Anne and I have been friends for ... years. We started writing to each other when we were very young teenagers, after two hours of talking. Anne lived in FL and I lived ... somewhere else, "far away." Our families met "by accident" and that was just the beginning ... the things my friend and I had in common began with the facts that we were both the eldest daughters of the large families, that we were both homeschooled and that both our fathers liked their daughters (us!) to dress modestly ... and ended with the fact that "someday," we both wanted to get married, have large families and homeschool our children ...
Looking back over Anne's letters, I can see that desire threaded through our correspondence and our friendship ... like a golden thread woven into a beautiful fabric, it's there in almost every letter - overtly or subtly. Were we "obsessed" with the idea of marriage and motherhood? I don't think so. We both wanted to get married ... so we talked about it, just as girls who want to be doctors or astronauts talk about going to college and medical school or applying to NASA.
(If that's what you do to get a place on board a spaceship ... I really have no idea at all!)
"Way back when ..." Anne and I were sure that the desire to get married was a natural desire and a gift from God, that being a wife and a mother was a high and noble calling and that we were called to be wives and mothers "someday" ... so our future husbands would appear in our lives, initiate a courtship and claim our hearts (strictly in that order!) in good time. And good time was ... we thought ... somewhere between our eighteenth and twenty-first birthdays ...
Ten years, around one-hundred letters, more or less twenty-five 'phone calls, two visits, one painful test of friendship and loyalty, many tears and smiles and countless prayers later ...
Anne - MRS Smith - just got married.
She's got a diamond engagement ring and a golden wedding ring.
She's worn a breathtaking wedding dress and a misty bridal veil.
Most importantly, she's stood before God with Dan (the sweet and godly man God has given her) and pledged to love him all the days of her life, before sealing the promise with their first kiss.
And ... like I said, my attitude is not so great. Not for a moment do I wish Anne was not in love and not married to her sweetheart. No ... but I wonder, when two girls (two friends, no less!) wanted the same thing, why has God granted one her heart's desire ... and not granted the other her heart's desire?
I'll never know ... until, maybe, I get to Heaven. And then I have an idea they'll be other things on my heart, like ... God! Until then, it's probably better not to ask ... why hasn't God granted me my heart's desire too? But even if I don't ask that question, there are other questions ... did I not want marriage and motherhood "enough"? Am I hopelessly immature and "unready"? Am I too plain and quiet to captivate a man (the "right" man)?
And why, anyway, do some girls get married at eighteen and others at thirty-eight ... or never?
And beyond the questions every single girl asks when her friends get married (right?), there are deeper questions still ... why did God give my friend the man of her dreams less than one week (six days, to be precise) after the "painful test of friendship and loyalty" that robbed me of my hopes and dreams? Why did He grant Anne her heart's desire, when He can never grant me my heart's desire? And what good can He bring from disappointed hopes and broken dreams?
It's enough to make a single girl avoid each and every wedding between now and ... her own wedding!
But I was thinking ... maybe I need an attitude adjustment. It's not fair that Anne should have just got married and I should not have just got married. But life isn't fair. And God never promised it would be ... or should be. There are times to cry because life isn't fair ... and there are times to stand up straight and look to God and remember ... remember that He created me and redeemed me ... remember that He has plans for me, to give me a hope and a future ... remember that He has promised to work everything together for good.
Life isn't fair. But my life is not at the mercy of "chance" or tossed hither and thither by "accidents" or "coincidences" ... ruled by what is (or is not) "fair." My life is watched over by my Heavenly Father ... the One who has plans for my and has promised to work everything together for good.
Those plans ... apparently they include celebrating my 24th birthday with my family and friends, but no "special guy."
And that promise ... there's no small print to absolve God from keeping that promise, because a broken heart is too "complicated" or too "wicked".
I am not single because I am too plain and quiet ... or because homeschooling ruined me and my social life forever ... or because I don't wear mini-skirts and make-up ... or because I don't look for and flirt with guys ... or because I am immature and "unready" ... or because there are more women than men in my generation ... or because the very-few-and-far-between single men in my generation can't be bothered to pursue a wife ... or because God has forgotten me and the desires of my heart.
I am single because my God, my Creator and Redeemer, has ordained that on May 27th 2008 I should be single. I may, sometimes, be surprised and hurt that I'm "so very old" and not married. Honestly, I never planned to be "almost" 24 and single. But God is not surprised. He's always planned for me to be "almost" 24 and single.
Why?
I don't know why ... I just know God is God, my God, and this is what He has ordained ... I am single for His reasons and purposes ... for Him. I also know that He understands the hurt and sees the tears. And that maybe ... just "maybe!" ... I am single because God has things for me to do now. Things that are beyond my dreams, but within His plan. His perfect plan. Not for Anne's life, but for my life.
It's difficult to let go of the questions and the hurt.
Anne has just got married and ... I ... haven't.
But God is God and I am single for Him.
And this is an attitude adjustment I can live with ...
7 comments:
Thank you so much for you post and for being open and honest. You have no idea how grateful I am for your post...in many places your words echo my heart also.
"I am not single because I am too plain and quiet ... or because homeschooling ruined me and my social life forever ... or because I don't wear mini-skirts and make-up ... or because I don't look for and flirt with guys ... or because I am immature and "unready" ... or because there are more women than men in my generation ... or because the very-few-and-far-between single men in my generation can't be bothered to pursue a wife ... or because God has forgotten me and the desires of my heart."
Thank you for this paragraph in particular...I have wondered (and still do sometimes!) whether some of those very reason are the cause for my singleness. Thank you for putting things into perspective.
Melinda
Thank you, I'm always encouraged to hear that I'm not the only one who feels this way (and I'm only 18, almost 19). I need to remember to pray for all the young ladies who want to be married and yet are still single.
I am not single because I am too plain and quiet ... or because homeschooling ruined me and my social life forever ... or because I don't wear mini-skirts and make-up ... or because I don't look for and flirt with guys ...
Thanks also for pointing that out...because I think that although we know that's not what we want, we feel like if we were only different, we would have been noticed and in a relationship!
So, thank you for this post, and the blog you linked to in your last post. :)
After my best friend got married, I went home with that "oh woe is me" attitude. In telling that to my brother, he said something very wise that I still remember 3 years later: "Either you're not ready, the guy's not ready, or it's just not God's timing."
Ok, I can live with that:o). Keep your chin up!
From a "single" Anne:o)
Another possibility is simply that Yahweh has other work for you now...I've been so blessed in the past year by the doors the Lord has opened up for me to disciple other girls, reach out to other girls and serve my father. That desire for a man...can be channeled safely into fathers and brothers with beautiful results. And that time can be poured into other girls in unbelievable ways! You know that. I can see you have a heart for Yahweh! Commit your way to Him and He will do it. :) He rewards those who diligently seek Him--first with the joy of being in His presence, second with heart desires that please Him. I think this is one that pleases Him...as you know, He will do it perfectly. Blessings from above on you, a daughter of the King!
I understand the hurt and the questions. I have wondered if I was too quiet or if anyone would ever notice me. I also celebrated my 24th birthday as a very single girl with shattered hopes and dreams. I also can now see that God had better, so much better plans than I could have ever imagined. It is hard in the midst of struggles but we must keep trusting God.
Celeste
Oh! Dear sweet bloggie friend!! I just went through that. Actually, I'm still going through that. But God is always good. And He ONLY does WONDROUS things (Ps. 72:18 ESV)!! This has become my new favorite verse. Only wondrous things? Even my singleness? Is it wondrous? Of course, because it's planned by God!! It may not always be pleasant, or what I want, but God has designed it to be wondrous, to help me love Him more, to be more like Him, and for me to see that it is good!
So take heart my friend!!! You are right where God has chosen for you to be and it is wondrous!!
It seems like... no matter what tests are thrown at you, you never question your faith in God. It impresses me very much, but I wonder how you know God's will? I mean... how do you know God wants you to wait patiently now? I hope this isn't a rude question... but I'd really like to know. I mean... it seems fatalistic to think that whatever God wants from you, he will achieve without your participation. Maybe that isn't what you think at all, but that is how I am reading it? I think God wants me to get an education but he still expects me to study to make that happen. How do you know God doesn't expect you to work for what you want in a similar way? Again, I hope this doesn't sound critical and rude because that isn't my intention at all. If you think God wants you to wait, then I 100% respect that. I just think it is... very difficult to know what God wants!
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