"I believe that we, as adult unmarried daughters, have a unique opportunity to show today's self-centered world what it really means to honor and cherish our parents, to serve cheerfully and put our family first. We can show what it's like to be productive, industrious and creative; self-sacrificing, loving, and faithful; serving, generous, delighted helpers to our parents and siblings.
This vision of daughterhood is beautiful. It's powerful. Let us seize the chance and live it – for the glory of God."
This vision of daughterhood is beautiful. It's powerful. Let us seize the chance and live it – for the glory of God."
I was so encouraged!
So then I skimmed through the comments the post had elicited ... and I was not so encouraged.
Some of the comments were so negative! I believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinion ... but ... I don't know why, but the negative comments really upset and frustrated me ... maybe because I'm sleep-deprived ... or because I'm getting a cold ... or because some of the negative comments put into printed words the insinuations and accusations that I - an adult unmarried daughter living at home - have heard so many times before and am so completely tired of.
Seeing the negative comments in black-and-white printed words was ... tough ... it's one thing to hear the words, it's another to read them, something which makes them more powerful and memorable. They left me feeling alone and inadequate, wondering if all the things the negative comments suggested were true ... wondering if I am just waiting for Prince Charming to come ... or if I am refusing to grow up and take some responsibility ... or if I am not working or being productive ... or ... or ... or ...
If you're an adult unmarried daughter living at home, this is for you:
Dear Sister,
Hello!
I wish I knew who you are and what you're like ... how you embrace your life as an adult unmarried daughter who lives at home ... what joys and sorrows we share and what lessons we've learned and doubts we've contended with that would bridge the differences between us and unite us.
I've been an adult unmarried daughter living at home for five years now. When I was eighteen, I thought and prayed long and hard about whether I should leave home and attend college. My parents and I concluded - individually and together - that God didn't want me to do that, so I settled down to serve my family and continue my education at home. Five years later, I still serve my family and work from home. And ... it's not easy or fun or glamorous, but I know I am exactly where God wants me to be, doing (or trying to do!) exactly what He has called me to do.
So many people think that when adult unmarried daughters live at home, they are choosing the easy option in life and refusing the face the 'realities' of society in the twenty-first century. And yet ... don't all of us who live at home - who have chosen a denim skirt and a hand-knitted sweater over a college gown and a dimploma! - know that we have NOT chosen the easy option?
It would be so easy to leave home and go to college ... to do what our contemporaries and our society expects of us ... to just be 'normal', for goodness sake! And yet ... God has called some young women to go to college and be a witness for Him in the classrooms and halls of the world; He's called some young women to pursue a career and point people to His goodness and love in the offices and coffee shops of the world. But He hasn't called us to that. He's called us to be a witness for Him and point people to His goodness and love in less popular environments ... in the kitchens, schoolrooms, family-rooms, mini-vans and back-yards of the world. In the homes ...
Living at home requires a daily decision to live for God in the place He has called us to live ... a place that is not often recognised or universally appreciated. He's called us to serve in the homes and families in which He has placed us and to which He has called us. There are many arguments for and against adult unmarried daughters living at home, but ultimately, those of us who live at home do so for one reason - the same reason: because God has called us to do that ... not for anyone or anything other than HIM.
And it's hard ... most people think we're wrong ... that we're refusing to grow up ("You can't live with Daddy and Mommy forever!") or that we let our parents 'impose' on us ("Do they MAKE you teach your little siblings?"). Most people don't realise the maturity and strength it takes to stand firm against the pressure of societal 'norms' and the opinions of family and friends. Most people don't understand the willing and cheerful sacrifices of time and love that God calls us to make daily.
The family is under attack as never before, as the battle of good against evil - God against Satan - grows in intensity. The family - and therefore society - is largely crumbling before the attack, producing broken homes and hurting people. I believe that as we stand firm against the attack and against the pressure of societal 'norms', we will need God's help ... to believe His call, to listen for His affirmation over the world's mockery and criticism, to ignore the lies of Satan as he tries to convince us that we're wrong and wasting our lives.
But, dear girls, it is so worth it ...
For however long God calls us to live at home and serve our families, there are blessings in abundance!
I do not think any adult unmarried daughters living at home (at least, not the ones I am privileged to know!) have much 'free time'. I know I don't have much of that commodity ... I work a long day, full of home-making, teaching, writing! But the few spare moments that I do have, I am free to dedicate to something good and worthwhile ... reading a home-making book or a history book, practicing the flute, writing to friends or writing posts for my blog, reading and studying my Bible, praying, writing in my diary and EVEN gazing at the moon and stars and wonder what this awesome life God has given me is for ...
There is, I think, an important thing for those of us who live at home to grasp and hang on to ...
This time that God has called us to live at home and serve our families is both an important and once-in-a-lifetime phase of our lives AND a training ground for everything else God has planned for our lives. It's not just a waiting time, to be scrambled through as quickly as possible ... I believe it is to be lived (and even enjoyed!) to the full. But it's not an end-in-itself either ... I believe it is to be recognised and used as a preparation time, in which to grow closer to and more like God, to learn and explore and discover.
One day we'll look back at this time and I hope and pray that each one of us will remember a home beautified and a family served ... but also time spent making the most of AND preparing for the destiny God thought of when He created each one of us ...
If you're reading this because you too are an adult unmarried daughter living at home, be encouraged! God has called you and He won't forget you. He has plans for you right now while you peel potatoes and give math lessons. And He has plans for the rest of your life! Stand firm in Him and His call to you,
With much love in Messiah,
Elizabeth
4 comments:
Thank you SO much for your support - I'm glad my post encouraged you; your words certainly encouraged me!!
The "negative" comments you've read? Bah. That was nothing comparing to those I *didn't* publish. Someone actually asked if I'm waiting for my dear grandmother to die so I can go on with my life... I think this puts things into perspective and makes the comments you've read seem nice and fluffy ;) And if you want to be discouraged even more (I know you don't, but suppose you did :)), you should go to an earlier post called 'Unappreciated homemaker-in-training' and read the comments there. :P
Oh well. Being counter-cultural, we adult unmarried home-focused daughters can expect this negativity! Let's not let this discourage us! Thank you, again, for writing this post - and God bless you!
PS: I just emailed you!
Dear Elizabeth,
Your letter deserves at least one reply, and so from one unmarried Adult Daughter living at home, to another, I compose these few paragraphs.
A little more than five years ago, I found myself facing a decision that would change my life forever. I didn't know it at the time, and those days and weeks, and months of uncertainty and even agony to decide what to do with the rest of my "waiting" years was painful. To all my pleadings and prayers, it seemed as if the only answer I received was that of silence. I was confused, defeated, more uncertain than ever before when above the silence that thundered in my soul was the simple word of "Wait".
It wasn't an easy choice. I, alone, stood to give my decision that I would stay home. It wasn't easy to give up good scholarships, to pass by the opportunity I thought I wanted most. No one understood, but that quiet answer "wait" pushed me on.
I never dreamed that five years would pass between those uncertain days and today. I didn't know that this was only the beginning of a journey, the start of a battle, but it has been a pathway that He has chosen, and it has been the best way.
Now, I can look back with a thankful heart that God kept me home. Nothing could have been better, more beautiful, nor more painful. He is faithful. Every day, I see it again and again-- This is my calling.
And, still, few understand. It is not the easy choice, no. It is not easy to face disapproval, to smile at the comments that what I've given my life thus far to is but a waste, and the choice of one who has no ambition. It hasn't been easy to hear people I love condemn "my choice", but God knows, and He sustains.
My life today is much what it was five years ago. I clean and cook, I do laundry and help around the house with whatever needs to be done. I still sleep on the top bunk- just like I did growing up. I share all "my" space with my sister. And yes, my mom still tells me what to do sometimes, and I don't even mind.
But I am not the same person I was five years ago. Time has changed me, I am older. More mature. More steady.
It's not that it's easy now. Waiting never was. It's just that I can see the purpose in it all now. I can see how God has used this to refine me, to "polish" me as a stone. And, yes... there is much to go. I am far from the woman I desire to be, and am striving to be, but by God's grace, I am climbing.
I am content, I am happy to live out my life just in serving my famiy, if that is God's will. I can accept with Joy this pathway... for "His way is perfect".
Loneliness is my greatest enemy. Sometimes it's easy to feel that I am all alone in my life of serving my family. Sometimes it's easy to see the girls I grew up with married, and wish that I was there, instead of here. But God knows. He lets me see that there are other sisters--just as He did now, when I came across your journal-- who stand with me- trying to faithfully serve where He has put them, for as long as He sees best. And living where there is no one at all, sometimes it aches. But I know He knows. And I turn to my letters again, thankful that He gives me time to still write.
And someday, when God moves us on, we will never wish it had been any other way.
So thank you. Thank you for sharing some of the beautiful things that come from being in His will.
And... I know this is out of the blue, so to speak, but if you feel comfortable, I would so love to correspond with you, and perhaps we can encourage each other in staying strong for where God has put us.
If you are able/interested, I shall be glad to email (alaskawildrose @ gmail.com) you my mailing address, and if not, I do understand.
God bless you,
Chantel
That you for YOUR support! I'm so glad my words encouraged you! Yeah, well, I was WAY overtired when I read those negative comments and they TOTALLY got on my nerves! Compared to those you didn't publish, the ones I read do - indeed! - seem 'nice and fluffy'! It's just so nice to know that I'm not being counter-cultural ALONE! Thanks for the support and encouragement!
P.S. I just got your email!
Chantel ... thank you so much for your wonderful! And I'm looking forward to corresponding with you!!
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