I explained that within conservative Christian circles, there are lots of us girls who have been brought up to desire and expect to get married (probably quite young) and have children (probably quite a lot). However, a lot of us reached our twenties - are often older than our mothers were when they got married and had their first child - and are unmarried (and therefore childless). It's quite ... well, disorientating in a way! Having been brought up to desire and expect one thing, what are we supposed to do when that one thing doesn't happen to us ... and happens to all our friends ... and still doesn't happen to us?
I said to my friend, "The thing is, I and lots of other conservative Christian girls been brought up to believe that wife- and motherhood are every woman's highest and ultimate callings. So if we're not wives and mothers, who or what are we? Have we 'missed' God's highest and ultimate callings on our lives? Are we inferior women because we're not wives and mothers?" My friend looked at me quizzically and asked, "Do you believe that wife- and motherhood is every woman's highest and ultimate calling?" Thinking of Corrie Ten Boom and others like her whom I admire, I said, "Er ... I believe that if a woman is a wife and mother, that's her highest and ultimate calling ... her husband and children are her highest and ultimate responsibility."
After that the rest of my family joined us and the conversation - as Jane Austen would say! - 'became general'. But I'm still thinking about it!
What if I never get married and never have children? Is that (as some might suggest) a sign that God doesn't think I'm mature and adult enough to cope with a husband or children (actually, sometimes I wonder ... but that's a different post altogether!) ... or is it because His plan - His best plan! - for my life doesn't include those things? And if God's best plan for my life doesn't include wife- and motherhood, does it mean that I have 'missed' God's highest and ultimate calling ... or does it mean that His calling for me is ... different?
What if I never know the joy of giving my hand and heart to my husband on our wedding day or snugging my new-borns in my arms on successive birth-days? What if there is no white dress and gold band or no diaper bags and homeschool-schedule in my future? What if I'm 'Miss ***' for the rest of my life and never hear my babies lisp, 'Mama!' for the first time or watch my husband give our sons and daughters away on their wedding days or snuggle their babies in my arms? What if ... ? Am I any less of a woman? Am I in any way inferior to wives and mothers? Is God's calling on my life any less high and ultimate ... is it inferior to that of wife- and motherhood ... or is it different?
***
I don't usually ask people to comment, but if you read my blog and come across this post, please do comment and let me know what you think! (Politely, of course!)
17 comments:
If God chooses for you to remain single, then He will. To say He would do that because He doesn't feel like you can handle it is terribly legalistic and not scriptural. That would be like saying, "Your child died, so I guess God realized you couldn't handle it!"
His ways are not our ways. Sometimes we get a glimpse of His intentions, but not always.
Glorify God with your life. That's what He wants. If you are hanging with your Creator and serving Him as you grow in Him, then He will prepare you and walk with you no matter who or what comes into your life.
This subject has been muddling through my thoughts a lot lately as well. And I am pretty sure that I don't believe that marriage and motherhood are the highest calling for a woman.
My calling is to serve Jesus in any way that He leads me. If it is as a wife and mother, then that is *my* high calling. If it is a single daughter, an auntie, a teacher, a secretary - or whatever - that is *my* high calling.
It isn't a matter of immaturity. It isn't a matter of God with-holding blessings - or a higher calling. I truly believe that if I never marry it is because God wills it and it is not second best next to mothers.
The thing is, marriage and motherhood has been under fire from feminism for years and I do believe that the conservative/Christian side has gone entirely to the other side. Marriage and motherhood are held up as something higher than all else.
It shouldn't be a question of what is better; I wonder if it is a question of what is the best that God has in store for me as an individual. My dear friend who is expecting her second child has been called to marriage and motherhood. And me...we'll see! :-)
Well my thought on this is that a husband and children are a gift from the Lord, and singleness is a gift from the Lord. If He gives us one gift as opposed to another why should we look at one of them as better than the other. If one is to say that the calling to wife and mother is the highest calling a woman can be given then if a woman trusts the Lord for a husband and children and He choses not to give them then you have either one of two options: 1) either she isn't good enough or 2) God isn't good enough. I have known several wonderful, mature, and Godly ladies who have wanted to be married and are in their late to twenties to early thirties and are still unwed, and we know that our God is not in the least inferior. My opinion is that God gives what is best and our human perspective will never understand it fully.
sorry, this has gotten rather long.
Elizabeth, this post really touches a cord deep in my heart.
A few months ago, I reflected on this subject on my blog, and wrote a post entitled, 'But what if I never get married?!' - I think EVERY young woman asked herself this question at least once.
(Here's the link if you want to look through it:
http://ccostello.blogspot.com/2007/04/but-what-if-i-never-get-married.html)
So... for women who *have* been blessed with marriage, marriage is, indeed, their highest calling. A smaller - much smaller - number of women will serve Him as singles. He loves all His children, and weaves a beautiful and special tapestry for each of our lives. Trust in Him. Single or married, mother to many children or childless, just do whatever you do for His glory, and be assured, He wants you to live a happy and rich life. It's never quite like what we imagined; it's much, much better!
He *does* have a special plan for you, and me, and all of us. And while we might know what we want, only He knows what we truly need.
OK - this is turning into rambling, so I'd better stop here!
I think singleness is a higher calling. Yes you may say that its all very well for me to say that since I'm in a relationship, but that's what I honestly believe. My relationship has underscored that belief, not deminished it in the least.
I am honored to have role models in my life and setting who are single by choice and can honestly say I admire them with my whole heart.
A few things to think about:
I Corinthians 7:1 - "it is good for a man (as in mankind) not to marry".
vs 28 ..."But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this".
Also vs 32-35 I think also support the idea.
I hate (strong word I know) how condesending some people are towards single persons, pitying them and thinking they have a lessor lot in life.
I think Christ should be the the One who occupies our entire hearts and directs our lives. if you are single you can focus completely on the Lord without being bogged down with "earthliness" and the cares of a family Whether we are single or married I believe Christ MUST have the first place in our lives and hearts.
So... I think its a much higher calling to be "called to singleness".
However, as it has been said - "Where ever you are be ALL there". If its the LORD's will for you to marry - there is no higher calling than His will! If its the LORD's will for you to be single, again; no higher calling.
Rather muddled thoughts I know, but it IS something I feel pretty strongly about ironically.
Love, Josie
I am a single woman. I face a lot of criticism from other Christian women who married because I am single. Just because I am single does not make them better than me. I honestly think that churches put too much pressure on women nowadays to get married claiming that that is the only natural calling God has for a woman. Wrong!! The Bible has talked about many women who were single and remained single. Don't let the pressure of marriage get to you. Enjoy being single!! Embrace the freedom you have right now - you can go wherever and do whatever without having to worry how it will affect a husband or kids. And if down the road you meet the perfect man to marry, then embrace marriage life. But til that time, enjoy being single!
I shall be back for a real comment after I've cogitated the best way to phrase what I want to say. :)
All I can say is - this post is providential! Just this evening my mom and I were talking about these things! (God must have known I needed to here them again before going to bed tonight!).
Excellent, and I agrea with you on it all! Thanks for this post 'at such a time as this' (for me, at least).
Lydia
Christine, thank you for reminding me that God's ways are not our ways. I can always do with being reminded of that!
Krista ... I guess we're kind of muddling through this together! :-> I love the way you said, "My calling is to serve Jesus in any way that He leads me ..."
Janel, thank you for reminding me that God gives what is best. I can always do with being reminded of that too! (And that's okay ... your comment wasn't too long!) :->
Anna, thank you! :-> I read your post and loved it!
Josie! :-> Wow ... thank you for the vote of confidence should I be called to singleness long-term ... it's nice to know that you think so highly of the calling. Love to you too!
USAIncognito, thanks for the advice to "Enjoy being single!!" I appreciate your input as another single woman!
Katie, I can't wait to hear your 'cogitated' thoughts on this subject! :->
Wow, Lydia, I am so thrilled that I wrote and posted on this aubject 'at such a time as this' and that you have been encouraged! Thanks for letting me know!
Ok, briefly I'm back with my more or less succinct thoughts on this subject:
God qualifies the called. Scripture makes it clear that He calls most to married. It also seems to indicate that those who are NOT called to marriage are specifically "graced" for singleness. Sufficient grace is something we can cling to either way.
Katie, good point! Thanks! :->
Like many people, I struggle with this whole subject. I wholeheartedly believe that it may be better for me to remain single in order to fulfill the specific work that God has given me to do for him. A man would have to be very special indeed to share my heart in this area and I couldn't possibly marry anyone who didn't share my heart for the work God has given me to do.
However, as much as I have head-knowledge of this and I submit to God's will about whether I will be single or married, there is still a natural longing to be loved, touched, comforted, kissed and to carry a baby, give birth, raise a child, have a family...
I pray over and over that God will fill this longing in me. I refuse to believe that my God is not big enough to meet this need in me. I cling to the verses that say your maker will be your husband (Isaiah 54 for example). I think whatever happens it is important for me to bring it before God in honesty and confess my longing and my need to him. It would be very easy for me to become hard-hearted and a little bitter if I do not constantly do this. Sometimes I remind God that he himself said that it is not good for man to be alone! And I have no qualms with arguing with God in this way - David did it all through the Psalms! The important thing is that I am open-hearted before God.
Ultimately, I remind myself that this life is fleeting and that God's Kingdom is the most important thing. Seek first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you....
Joss, thank you sharing your heart so honestly. I appreciate it. It's good to know that none of us are alone in this struggle.
If God wants you to get married, He has a guy out there who has a heart for the same work/ministry you are giving your life and love to. I've just send up a little prayer that He DOES ... want you to get married AND have such a guy out there!
Thank you for commenting!
Thank you, Elizabeth for posting this! I have been in deep prayer over this very subject for some time now. It is such a relief to know I am not alone. I do think the Lord led me to "stumble" upon your blog at the perfect time! Our God is an AWESOME GOD!
In HIM,
Rachel
Psalm 30:11-12
Rachel, I'm so glad you stumbled upon my blog and found this post encouraging - it's a blessing to know that! Oh no, you are NOT alone. I hope and pray that God will guide you as you seek Him - may He bless you!
Elizabeth, It feels like a really long time since I came across your blog and left my comment. I wanted to tell you that a few months ago I celebrated my first wedding anniversary with a wonderful man who was very definitely hand-picked for me by God.
He landed in my lap one day and shared my heart and vision for the work I was doing but it actually took some convincing before I believed he was the one for me - I didn't think he was 'my type' at all!
A short while after meeting him I felt God say to me "He's the one you asked me for." and I answered "No way, you can't know me at all if you think he's my Mr. Right!". A few months later, (after he had thrown himself wholeheartedly into my project) I realised I never wanted to be without him and that he had all of the qualities I had asked God for in a husband.
We have just 'endured' our first year of marriage (and I don't use that word lightly!). It has been hellish! I, perhaps naively, thought that because God had chosen him for me, and I had done everything right before getting married, that we would sail blissfully into married life. How wrong I was! We have had a lot to deal with in our first year and at times I have questioned God's wisdom and wondered if it was all a terrible mistake. But, as they say, the first year is the hardest, and we are now starting to enjoy our life together. I also think that God is now blessing us for sticking at it when the going got tough.
I have no idea why we have been through such difficulties this year, any more than I had any idea what God's plan was when I was feeling so alone a few years ago, but I am learning that it's all about being faithful.
Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for your prayer for me back in 2007, it was heard and answered!
Joss, thank you so much for stopping by and letting me know what happened "next"! How exciting (and WONDERFUL!) that God has blessed you with a husband and a marriage ... I'm so happy for you and hope and pray you life with your husband will be long and happy and blessed!
Thank you for sharing a little bit of your story - that's special!
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